I Didn't Speak Up
by maggieck
Summary: Another look at how CJ might be feeling. (Post-ep - TFIGKY)


Disclaimers: Characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, not to me. A very special thank you to my beta and wingman Shelley she knows why. :)   
Classification: CJ  
Spoilers: The Fall's Gonna Kill You  
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.  
Rating: PG-13  
Synopsis: Another look at how CJ might be feeling.  
Feedback is appreciated, send to maggieck@earthlink.net  
  
  
I Didn't Speak Up  
  
  
As I sit on a chair outside the White House Councils Office at 5:30 in the morning a fragment of a memory keeps running through my head. Last night, as Leo was explaining the President's condition to me, as they talked about relapsing/remitting, and attacks and State of the Union the words Manhattan, Kansas suddenly popped into my head. At the time I didn't know why and frankly wasn't able to think about much of anything so I shoved the thought to the side and attempted to absorb what I was being told.   
  
But now, as I sit here cooling my heels waiting for Babish to show up for a meeting that I was told to report to, I have time to reflect. I remember Kansas now. I remember getting the confirmation from Nightline and rushing to the Bartlet suite to let them know we'd need to leave within the hour in order to get to an ABC affiliate for the taping. As I sit here I remember seeing Mrs. Bartlet pulling the syringe out of the President's arm at the same time she realized I'd entered the room. I saw her nudge the President who looked up at me, straightened his tie and then walked over saying, "What's doing Claudia Jean, you look like you have news?" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mrs. Bartlet carefully holding her hand in the folds of her outfit while she walked into the bathroom.   
  
No one said anything about what I'd seen. After a second or two I wasn't even sure I'd seen anything. After all, if you walk in on something, reasonable people explain what it was you walk in on don't they? Don't they at least acknowledge the faux pas? I put it out of my mind. I didn't think about it. After all, if I'd really walked in on something the Governor would at least make a comment about knocking right? So, it didn't happen. I didn't think about it again.  
  
Now, it's three years later and I'm sitting in the White House Council's Office in Washington, DC and he's about to grill me about what I knew when and who told me what. The hell of it is - he's going to be the friendliest face I'll see in this process. As the investigation continues I'm going to be grilled so many times by so many different people with their own agendas for the information I provide that the next few hours will seem like a walk in the park.  
  
Now though, I'm sitting here and waiting for Babish, and wondering just how much responsibility I have for this whole mess. Back in Kansas three years ago, I didn't speak up. I trusted that Bartlet was the real thing. I trusted that I would be in the loop if there were any problems. Bottom line, I didn't speak up and now three years later instead of gearing up for re-election. The Vice-President is making quiet noises to put himself out on the stump, the staff is meeting with White House Council and we are trying to determine the best way to tell the American Public that they may have been tricked into electing a man to office.  
  
Trust, it's such a simple sounding word. Toby told me that Bartlet was the real thing, and he is. He's a brilliant man with a real vision for improving this country. He fights to make this nation better than it was when he took office. He makes the tough choices and takes on the fights that need to be fought. He was the real thing. But he's not anymore. We made the tragic mistake of putting another man on a pillar and now we've learned his fatal flaw. The truly terrible aspect of this whole thing is the fact that the MS isn't the flaw. We could have gotten him elected if he'd disclosed the MS - I'm sure of it. It would have been tough, but what about this job hasn't been? But the bottom line is that millions of people in this country have MS and would have voted for Bartlet for that reason alone. No, his flaw is his pride, and his denial. He couldn't accept his illness. He wasn't able to face himself in the mirror and say I have an illness but it's not going to stop me. Instead, he hid his condition, he denied its existence. And now we will all pay; but he will suffer the most.  
  
President Bartlet isn't the only one who's made mistakes - I have too. How many times have I gotten up on my high horse in this administration because I felt like I was being kept out of the loop? Because I thought I was being lied too? Because I wanted to run with the big boys and they kept sending me back to my office to play tea party? When it really mattered though, I stuck my head in the sand. Maybe if I'd said something back in Manhattan, Kansas we wouldn't be were we are today. Even if I couldn't have gotten Bartlet to come forward I'd at least know now that I did everything I could. Now I have to live with the discovery of my own fatal flaw. I'm reminded of a quote I ran across once - it's from the Nuremberg trials;   
  
They first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.  
  
  
They came for me in Manhattan, Kansas and I didn't speak up. Now we're all going to go through our own Nuremberg.  
  
  
End  
  
Author's Note, the source of the quote is Pastor Martin Niemoeller, speaking at the Nuremberg war crimes trials.  



End file.
